Welcome back one and all, freshman through seniors. It’s that time again where you read tons and tons of things about what your first year of school is going to be like and what to do to “make the most of your college experience.”  But let’s cut the crap shall we. Anything you read from an official source is probably a bunch of red bull, and these people are not allowed to say what really goes on, or living under a rock in Tabler. This is the real, unadulterated synopsis of dorm life and how to really spend your time here.

Let’s start with academics, and let’s be realistic here for a second. Do you really think you’re going to every class? If you’re like any other freshman, you listened to what those orientation leaders told you about registering for classes and probably chose a schedule that looks like this:

Boy are you in for a bad time. Waking up at 8AM four days a week, large breaks in between classes, that huge hole on Tuesday. Buddy, do you really think you’re going to want to wake up at 8AM for classes that often? Do you have any idea what college does to you? I understand that in high school you’ve been getting up at 6 every day, but you weren’t meeting people at midnight to explore the campus or trying to sneak into that bar at 2AM when the bouncers stop carding. And while I fully support you missing classes to have fun, missing every class will eventually lead to a failing GPA, which means no more college which means you’re going to go home and cry and jerk off and use your tears as lubricant. So first things first you’re going to change your schedule to look like this:

Yeah the schedule's not perfect. You actually have to wake up at noon on Fridays. And I know it may require some SLIGHT revising your future plans, but don't worry, plenty of doctors started as a business major. Seriously! Besides, you'll need these classes eventually anyway. Honest. At least you'll have a good time networking. As far as serious academic advice, people tell you to go to every class, to study 1 hour per week for every credit hour you have. That means if you're taking 18 credits, that's 18 hours a week you need to put into it.  That's bull as I have honestly needed only like 4 hours a week, upped to 12 hours a day right before test times.

You shouldn't cram for your tests, no, but you should do everything in your power to be prepared and to understand material instead of memorizing things (unless your class calls for memorization). Don't set an unchangeable amount of time to study for your classes, figure out how much is enough, and you're doing yourself a REAL BIG FAVOR *hint hint* if you start studying more than 24 hours prior to a test. Oh, and don't burn yourself out pretending like you're going to be a straight A student coming into college and doing nothing but hitting the library. Be consistent and whatever you're gonna do in college, do it all the way through.

Now, onto dorm life. First things first, freshman fifteen. You don't want it, trust me. Your only consolation is that the 15 will probably catch up to most of the "hot" girls from your high school and hit the cheerleaders and hot dudes where it hurts (thighs and stomach), and a year later you can laugh and say how you totally would not bang them now - or maybe you would just to brag that you did Jenny Hotmamastein to your friends. But you only get to laugh if you haven't gained that weight, you hear me? I would hit the gym 3 times a week and stay away from almost all of the food on campus except maybe the SAC and Union stuff. I like to go by the rule "if your mom doesn't make it and wouldn't want you to eat it, don't." 

Drinking is great and everything, but each beer has like 200 cals, and each shot has around 100, plus chasers. Consider how much it takes to get drunk and you'll see how partying excessively will turn you into intoxicated flab. Be a normal kid and save your party jeans till Thursday night like the rest of us.

Don't you wish this was a real party at Stony Brook?

You've already got a glimpse of the social life here, but what really goes on?  Are weekends as bad as everyone say they are? Do parties really go on every day? Yes and no, for both questions. Weekends do tend to suck, as so often that prime rib you've been eyeing keeps disappearing to go home and see her boyfriend every weekend or something. But there's plenty of leftover chuck to leave you satisfied. You just have to make the right friends, make friends period, and staying around on the weekends does not have to be some dull, masturbatory induced chore. This is actually a good time to get ahead of work, exercise, maybe learn to cook or play the piano: anything  more useful than having downloading every last gig of porn you find on DC++ is great. (You need at least 1 TB free space, trust me).  

As for the parties - they are probably the best part about going to Stony. People getting together, having a good time, having too good a time, throwing up the good time. You really don't want to live here without going to a party once in a while, and while drinking is a great activity, it's not the only choice. Some people aren't comfortable with drinking or doing drugs, and that's perfectly cool. "Real" parties here mostly consist of staying in someone's room and drinking, and a good night is when the guy:girl ratio is better than 3:1. So don't worry, there are plenty of loser people who share your opinion (just kidding, I'm one of them) with who you can collaborate doing fun things like playing Scrabble or watching anime on a Thursday night. Yeah, really. 

Just in case you didn't know how prevalent are drugs, sex, and alcohol here at Stony? Well, imagine you're PacMan, vices are dots, and you're living in a world where drugs and alcohol are not only everywhere, but inescapable. And 4 stank hoes will chase you around until they finally get a chance to tap that. Your only chance is to cleanse yourself with the magic fruit. 

I freaking hate Blinky

Finally, some survival tips straight from the bottom of my heart. First of all, probably the most important tip to enjoying campus life is having a good living situation. You don't have to be friends with your roommate, but at least talk to him or her and make sure you guys come to an agreement over what is and isn't allowed in the room, and actually follow through with it. If you don't want your roommate to have a live-in girlfriend, then it's your right to request that she stay the hell out of your space. She doesn't pay rent, and maybe if she were to give you $2000 for the lodging she can do whatever she wants in your room. Otherwise, just speak up. You'll be so much happier that way, even with some slight tension with your roommate.

Also, make an effort to decorate your room and common room. You want the place to be lively, to make it seem like people live there, to make other people actually want to be there for a while. Make things comfortable for people, don't be super stingy or make a big fuss over little things, and your room will be a prime hangout spot for all the new friends you've made.

Lastly, it's great to make friends, but there's a tendency to make too many friends and not be close with any of them, or to stay close with just a few friends and form a clique. Neither approach will leave you feeling satisfied in the end, so make lots of friends, but do keep a few of them close. Oh, and about finding a relationship, no rush, relax, you're not any less of a person because you're not getting any. And least not yet. Work on your skills and have a fun semester.