Some Guy On A Unicycle

It was the first day of classes, everything was going great, and then my heart sunk into my funny bone. I saw some dude on a unicycle riding down the Zebra Path. I stared at his ridiculousness, I pictured the guy in a clown suit, and was in awe how no one else seemed to think this was an aberration on what would be an otherwise normal day. Why is a person riding a unicycle so ridiculous you ask? Well, it just seems like a stupid way to get around. There must be plenty of ways to get knocked over and fall on your face, including, but not limited to:

		Riding over a pebble
		Bumping into Nicole Richie
		Hitting a puddle
		Catching a stiff breeze
		Getting a hard on, backwards
		Napping
		Telekinetic powers of Shirley Strum Kenny
		Braking

It is indeed a transportation device so inherently flawed, only the incredibly brave or incredibly foolish ever dare ride.  And the last brave person I've ever seen was on Braveheart.

Nerd Wearing A Yugi-Oh Shirt

Yugi-Oh might be a fun card game, a popular anime series, and one of the most successful money-making schemes aimed at children today. So it might not be surprising when slightly older people pick up these habits. And you know what, as long as no one knows about it, you can have all the weird habits you want. I mean, you don't see me wearing a shirt in public saying "I like watching bukkake." But to the 25 year old fat dude wearing a Yugi-Oh T-shirt in public, I must regretfully inform you that you will never, ever get laid in your lifetime. I usually don't like to use the getting laid argument, considering how fat, ugly girls will sleep with anything. But when fat, ugly girls somehow find "standards" when it comes to sleeping with you, you have plunged into uncharted depravity. Happily, Darwinism is ultimate justice.

Fat Girl Wearing "Athletic" Shirt

Speaking of fat, amoral females, this is a group of ladies that are as lost as those people on Lost. As far as I'm concerned, people should have integrity when using their bodies as advertising vessels. If you're a girl that is significantly obese, the last adjective in the world I would use to describe you would be athletic (first if I'm trying to be sarcastic). Therefore, seeing a humungoid female sporting a "Champion Athletic Tank Top" or any other shirt with the word athletic in it is false advertising and sheer folly. Why not be more true to yourself and wear a "McDonald's" shirt, or one saying: "You Must Be This Wide To Ride"?  

That Girl That Looks Like A Guy But
Might Still Be A Girl And You're Not Sure
So Just To Play It Safe You Call Him/Her "It"

I'm sure we've all seen this before, someone whose sex is so mysterious that when they were born, the doctors told the mom that they didn't know where the vagina ended and the penis began. Then they grew up, just as ambiguous as can be, which if you think about it might have its advantages. They could walk into either the men's or women's bathrooms without any problems, other than which hole to pee out of. They definitely don't help things when they dress in a manner that doesn't emphasize whatever secondary sex characteristics they may have.  Sure, one viable way of figuring out their true gender may be to fondle them or follow them into the bathroom, but as we've discussed before, this may be both deceiving and gross.

So remember kids, it's okay to be different. Haha, who am I kidding, no it's not. Stop being freaks and I won't have to write about you anymore. 

Editors had fun with James' column. For the original non-gif version... click here...